"Choosing Civilty"

Forni and Oprah

The other day I was trying to catch up on all of my recorded Oprah shows. I don't watch that many but I always like to go through and see what she has on. As I was deleting the ones I didn't want I started to delete one entitled "Are You Rude". At the last minute I decided to watch it instead. I am glad I did. I have been accused, in the past, of being a doormat, a pushover and...well you get the idea. This show gave me a little insight and I came to the conclusion that I am not those things. I am... "Choosing Civility".

The show started with a silly/stupid quiz:
(the people in the audience were asked)

1. Are you chronically late?
27% yes 73% no (me no, not chronically anyway)

2. Have you ever typed an email while talking on the phone?
70% yes 30% no (me, yes)

3. Have you ever interrupted a face to face conversation to take a non-urgent phone call?
49% yes 51% no (me, sure)

4. Have you gone through a supermarket ten item express lane with more than ten items?
47% yes 53% no (me, yes)

5. Have you let your dog relieve himself on your neighbors lawn?
36% yes 64% no (me, no)

6. Have you ever stolen someones parking spot?
12% yes 88% no (me, no, not intentionally)

7. Have you ever gossiped?
98% yes 2% no (me, yes)

8. Have you ever taken someone elses food from the office refrigerator?
14% yes 86% no (me, no)

The reason I thought this was a dumb survey is because even though these things might be rude I don't think if you have done them you are a "rude person".

I decided a while ago that I was going to start telling people exactly how I feel, all the time. I was doing a great job until I realized that it was just not worth it or necessary, for that matter. Don't get me wrong...in certain situations I think that you do need to, and should, stand up for yourself and say how you feel but I think there are so many other times when it is just better or easier to "let things go".

I will give an example:

The other day John and I went to a movie at the $2 theater. There was a huge long line. I made my way to, what I thought, was the back. A lady quickly came in line behind me and was clearly upset. The man behind her asked if it was the end of the line and she said "I guess, I thought it was over there but this girl in front of me started the line going this way". She was talking about me and she was really rude and mad. She apparently thought I had cut in front of her. She was talking loud enough for me to, obviously, hear. On any other day I would have ignored her but because I was trying to "stick up for myself" I said "you know, if you really think you got here first, please, please, feel free to go in line ahead of me". I was expecting to feel really good that I had said what was on my mind. I didn't. I felt awful and I was rude. She said "no, go ahead". (This is just one example of what I had been trying to do and how I was trying to stick up for myself.)

Was that really worth it? No! I made her feel bad and I made myself feel bad.

There was a man named P.M. Forni on Oprah who wrote a book entitled Choosing Civility. He made some really amazing points. He said, "we are all trustees of each others happiness".

He went on to talk about relationships. He said, "the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships"...Often rude people are just insecure and shift the burden of their insecurities upon others in the form of hostility and rudeness".

I am still going to try to stick up for myself. I believe, however, there is a distinct difference between that and being rude.

"We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace". Peggy Tabor Millin